Balloons

Balloons

Grieving, I believe,
Is so delicate, and fragmenting,
Because it is
The understanding that
We are bound to love,
All ways…
Deeply,
Profoundly,
To wear a widow’s wedding band
As its tourmaline dulls,
To walk those rooms in which a widower
Could not stop crying, pressing his palms
Into the floor
And loathing the linoleum
Because it reminds him that
His love and body
Are real,
Wracked with the sorrow
That we only withstand because
We are forced
To continue
Cherishing,
Remembering.

Children send letters,
On balloons,
Into persimmon twilights,
Watching the words
They dare not say–
But write instead–
Drift towards the heavens
That look so cold to them…
To heal the hurt
That crusts over
Like marmalade on the jar’s rim;
They love ruefully,
Bungling with the buttons
On their shirts
Because a parent
Used to dress them;

We feel grief because
We are saying goodbye
To the moments we live,
The seconds,
Third glances,
Final embraces,
The feelings, thoughts,
Farewells we’ve yet to accept,
That dawdle alongside us,
With untied shoes,
Long before Loss picks up her child
In a minivan;
And then,
The heaving of a broken heart ebbs,
Tarnishing,
Like a silver teapot,
Until Longing polishes it alone,
When a dog loves unconditionally,
Or a paramour plants praise like
Crocuses in snow;

The orchestra swells in tragedy…
The conductor weeps, too,
Knowing the song must, inevitably, end,
So she loves
Until the final note’s echo
Joins the balloons,
Letters,
And every airy and feeble hope
That our hearts
Would hold less.

Velveteen Reality

It had been two years, and I’m utterly positive now: I can’t leave.

The last thing I remembered was drifting off after doing some late-night reading. And the next thing I knew, I woke up in a forest with wings attached to my back. I. Had. Wings.

Why did I have wings? I truly didn’t know. But after flying around, it seemed to be around the turn of the century. The modern world I grew up in was long gone, and I had no idea how to get back home. I spent three weeks spiraling in anxiety and fear, flying aimlessly around the woods looking for any sort of sign of where I was. The only clues I had were the lack of modern cars and the unpaved landscape—I was definitely not in any metropolitan city.

One twist of luck I discovered was my new magic affinity. My now shrunken size allowed me to fly anywhere really quickly, and the humans weren’t able to see me. I flitted around gardens and kitchens without being caught. I needed to eat somehow, and I hadn’t the faintest idea of what job I would’ve been able to get. Plus, it was still quite cold outside, so the warmth inside was hard to resist.

As I flew around the houses one night, I was peeking through the windows for any sort of entertainment on their old-school TVs when I noticed a horse and a rabbit in the middle of the room. Something deep inside told me to go in, so I slipped through and hid in a dark corner.

“What is real?” the little bunny asked the horse.

“Real isn’t how you are made. It’s a thing that happens to you,” the horse replied sagely.

Yup. I had landed myself somehow in The Velveteen Rabbit

I had somehow become the Fairy in my favorite childhood story. When I was younger, I used to own several stuffed bunnies in the hopes of creating a real one myself. I had memorized the story by heart—but I never once wanted to be part of the story! I couldn’t accept being sent back a whole century just to make stuffed animals real.

Once the reality started sinking in, I made a beeline for the forest hollow I had now called my home. Now that I was able to use magic, outdoor living was more manageable for me. It was a far cry from the comfort I grew up in, but it was a lot easier.

A wooden statue in a white dress with purple flowers, wings showing from behind as if in flight.
(Image courtesy of Alessandro Matonti via Unsplash)

“Okay, okay, okay. I am a fairy. I am to make toys turn into real things?? The horse explains to the rabbit at the beginning of the…” I trailed off, running my memory at high speed, not trusting my recollection, and trying to find other sources of truth. Alas, it was to no avail. “I’m at the beginning of the story. The rabbit doesn’t turn real…for another half a year…”

If I were to make the rabbit real…then would I be able to go home?

A new determination filled within me. I now had a shot.

For the next few months, I began pushing the boy and bunny together: hiding the china dog, whispering in the boy’s ear that he longed for the bunny, and nudging the nanny on where to find it every time it was left behind.

Then, my time to shine had come.

I distracted the gardener and untied the bag holding the old toys to burn. That night, the velveteen rabbit rolled out. I had practiced and rehearsed for this very moment.

“You were real to the boy because he loved you,” I delivered in my most cheery voice. “Now, you shall be real to everyone.”

I scooped the rabbit up in my arms, dropped it off in the forest, and gave one final kiss. Then, I fluttered back into the shadows and watched as the rabbit explored its new life.

A brown rabbit stands on its hind legs in a field.
(Image courtesy of Laura Lumimaa via Pexels)

But I didn’t return as I had hoped.

I still had wings on my back, I could still use magic, and I was still in the story. With a light heart, I flew back to my hollow. I surprised myself when I thought about how…meaningful it felt to transform a boy’s love into a tangible wish.

So, when I saw myself still in those now-familiar woods, watching the velveteen rabbit of my childhood hopping around, I wasn’t too disappointed.

After all, there were plenty of toys to watch over.

Maggie’s Invitation

The village of Oakhaven was very inviting, like a panoramic postcard. The streets were swept to the point of polish, and the windows of tea shops were draped in lace as delicate as a spider’s web. But, if you listened closely, you would notice a preternatural silence. There was no birdsong or local chatter giving life to the streets, as a visitor would expect.

There were no children playing in the squares, no dogs to amble alongside nonexistent horses. Instead, the elderly sat on benches with their hands folded, watching the road. Anticipating something perhaps, anything that would bring back some cheerful bustle to the dreary cobblestone lanes of the country hamlet.

In the center of the square stood the Gilded Ledger. It was a massive, golden pedestal where the “tax” was recorded.

Margaret stood in front of it, holding a single copper coin. “Maggie” was the name she preferred, and her tithe to the Ledger was due. Her register entry was under Lidsfarne, and her family members’ names were all scratched away, leaving her the sole heir of their responsibility to the golden pillar.

It was a hard run for her this year, being a washerwoman. She imagined a better life as a girl, being married to a young trader from the city, where the merchants lived and sold their glittering wares. She could have lived a comfortable life, but the will of Heaven had other plans.

The ones who collected the tithes were known as “Sovereigns;” they kept the “sanctuaries” running and devotedly obeyed the will of Heaven. Every able-bodied man, woman, or child was meant to contribute to the Gilded Ledger to help the Sovereigns run the spires, which kept the sun from dying since the last Sundering.

But Maggie Lidsfarne, last of her kin, was the only healthy young woman left in the village.

She was twenty-two, and for the past six months, she had been the only tenant of her house. Her mother had died in the winter, and her brother had been taken to the sanctuaries a year before.

“Penny for your thoughts, child?”

The voice was soft, like the silken dressing robes she would often wash for some of the Sovereigns. Maggie turned to see a Deacon of the order. He wore a mantle of cream and gold, holding a basket of warm bread. The smell of baked goods, fresh from the oven, warmed Maggie with welcome nostalgia. She remembered how well her mother had baked, and the cakes she made for her brother and her every birthday.

The Deacon didn’t seem like a monster. He reminded her of the father she had lost.

“I’m just… I’m behind on the heating costs,” Maggie whispered. “And the Ledger says my ‘tithe’ is due.” The Deacon sighed with sympathy.

“The tax is a heavy burden for those who walk alone. The Sovereigns need the gold to keep the sun shining and the borders safe. But the Ledger doesn’t just take metal, Maggie. It takes weight.”

He stepped closer, offering her a piece of bread and glancing at the scrawled list of names in the register briefly. “You haven’t spoken to anyone in six months, have you?”

Maggie gazed down at her shoes. The isolation caused a physical ache in her chest. “There’s no one left to talk to.”

“That is the heaviest weight of all,” the Deacon said, his voice dropping to a comforting murmur. “Why keep it? If you come to the sanctuary, we can take that heaviness from you. We can turn the cold silence of your empty house into something beautiful… something that can pay the debt for the whole village.”

He reached out and touched her hand. His skin was unnaturally warm — the heat of a furnace, like when her mother was still around and baking loaves of bannock such as those the Deacon held close.

“Imagine,” he continued, “no more cold nights. No more wondering if anyone remembers your name. In the sanctuary, you shall become part of the very gold that saves us all.”

Maggie looked at the bread, then at the sanctuary shimmering, garishly, upon the hill.

It was an impressive building, with whitewashed walls of plaster and ivory glazed terracotta, crowned by gilded bell-shaped canopies pointing heavenwards. The long spires protruding from their peaks were said to direct the focus of thousands in prayer, preventing the sun from dying.

It was beautiful, glowing with a cold, amber light. Maggie didn’t see the laboratories beneath it. She couldn’t fathom the “unrefined” — those hulking, silent beastmen who moved the heavy machinery in the dark, their eyes filled with the fading memories of their mothers’ faces.

In those spires that pricked the sky, gleaming above her, she saw a way to stop feeling like a ghost.

“Will my brother be there? And my mother, too? Are they praying with everyone else?” she asked.

The Deacon smiled, an expression that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “He is part of the foundation now. He is very important to us. Your mother is, too.”

Maggie took his hand. As they walked toward the hill, the copper coin she had been holding fell to the cobblestones. Its thud was dull, and cold like the sanctuary’s light. The air around them began to thicken, turning slightly grey, as if the world was selling its color to pay for the glow of the Oakhaven Temple above.

Nearby, an old woman on a bench watched them go. She didn’t call out. She didn’t stop them. She simply adjusted her shawl and waited for her own turn to be “noticed” by the men in gold, to be granted a piece of the warm bread, which they baked in their resplendent furnaces. 

All Yours

Finding someone isn’t all fun. I’ve got a few miles on me now. Plenty have checked out the terrain. Plenty more have declined. I’m hoping to find that someone, my person.

I miss the regular walks in parks, you know. Never mind the season, I just liked being out with you. Whether you were bright and chirpy or distracted with work, or family, your phone, all three. Park walks were always sweet.

I remember the laughter, every one of yours; the cacklers, the gigglers, the chucklers, the wheezers or snorters. Hearing a laugh, no matter its form, is never a bad thing.

Cuddling up on the sofa with your place half a tip. Cozy and peaceful, the blare of the TV’s screen, its glow, the way you smelled. You, without a worry in the world, giving slow patient affection without a thought. Going out is great. Sometimes home is better.

I can always tell when someone loves me from their eyes. The scores of eyes I’ve had look at me and through me. Happy, loving, angry, or exasperated. Call it selfish, but having all your attention always lit me up.

No matter who I’ve been with, I’ll admit when you went away, you were all I’d think about. I remember each and every time, how happy you were to see me, whenever you returned. In truth, I doubt any of you were as happy to see me, as I was you.

Sure, I’m a dustbin on legs who’ll eat anything, but food with you was always best. Food from you, even better. Always served with a warm smile in your voice or on your face, a loving touch. Excuse the cringe, but the key to this guy’s heart is most definitely his stomach.

I’ll confess, I found meeting your mates overwhelming. They weren’t always fans of me. To be honest, I didn’t always like them, but I’d do it anytime for you. You know, I don’t forget how you wanted to show me off to everyone and how great that felt. 

I know I’m not bad. I know you can do better, too. Maybe someone more focused. Someone who can sit still more, someone better with kids, I don’t know. 

I’ll never forget the moments where you’d just speak to me. From the heart, subconscious, involuntary. It really didn’t matter what you said, it was how you were saying it. It didn’t matter if it was good or deep and meaningful, it could be bad or absolute nonsense. 

It didn’t matter. There was a special frequency, only for me. Like I became your secret confidant. Knowing things even your Mum or besties didn’t know.

I realize I could frustrate you and cause problems you never asked for. I’m a lifelong sufferer of heart-on-my-sleeve. The sleeve’s torn up now. I’m not bad, you know.

Another long afternoon, and it’s sad to think so many opportunities have passed with good and loving people. I’m not giving up yet though – I think you’ve always got to be willing.

Karen might be the sweetest woman I have ever met. She always gives me the same loving look every time she sees me.

She’s been running this kennel for over 10 years now, and, every time I’ve returned, she says, “We’ll find you a home one day, Rolo.”

I hope she’s right. I just wanna belong to someone.

When Distance Tests Love

Sweethearts across the miles

On a very sunny and boring afternoon, I got a text from a strange number that simply said Hello. I replied out of bored curiosity, and the stranger introduced herself as Amaka. Amaka was my seatmate in primary school, who apparently has always had a crush on me since then. She told me she searched for me all through her high school years and found my contact information when we were entering university. This whole conversation was the beginning of a new world for me.

Amaka is a beautiful girl, naturally endowed with an amazing body that would make anyone’s jaws drop. Her melanin skin radiates as the sun touches it  — oh, what a beautiful sight! A brown-skin woman with all the flair of an African Queen. Her smile could heal a broken heart, make everyone’s day, and even encourage me to keep going. She has the mind and soul of our ancestors, she speaks with confidence and stands tall in stormy times. How could I resist such a person? I tell you confidentially that this woman was my soulmate.

So our love story begins…

We got to talking. She remains in our hometown where she is awaiting a letter of admission from her chosen university. I, on the other hand, was working long hours day and night in a different town a ways away, making a whole lot of money while I was still young. Just like in the fairytales, we spoke at length every time we possibly could, day or night. Falling in love with her was the easiest thing I’ve ever experienced. Within that first week, I was entirely ensnared. I started sending out presents and buying her gifts. 

She was my anchor after a very long day at work and encouraged me when I was feeling lost. We gossiped about everything. 

As with any person, I had some cold days. Days where you feel off, days where you’re really out of your zone and need a hug, days where it feels like the world is heavy on your shoulders and all you need is a kiss and a long cuddle. 

I trust you

This was an issue we worked on, and I was shocked about the response I was given. Amaka told me that I could have a side piece who would be there for the cold days. All she asked was that I always came back to her. I wasn’t comfortable with it because that’s not right, but I believe “I trust you” carries a greater commitment than “I love you.” Love cannot exist without trust, after all. Even if love doesn’t work that way, I understood she was willing to sacrifice part of herself by sharing me with other girls. In actuality, she has a part of me all to herself. 

A  meeting with fireworks

So after a few months went by, I traveled to meet the love of my life. It was one of the best memories I have ever had and I still wish that day could be repeated. I went to visit her at her apartment the next morning and she looked even more beautiful in person than in pictures or on Facetime. I walked calmly towards her smiling with my imaginary fireworks shooting in my chest with excitement. I hugged her with all the joy in my heart and, oh my goodness, she smelt like angels ought to smell -– a perfect woman. I was welcomed with a warm kiss and, honestly speaking, it blew my mind and made me blush.

Amaka invited me in to eat dinner with her, which was a perfectly prepared Jollof rice with Goat meat. Damn, she really knows how to cook! As that saying goes, “A way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,” she paved her way right in with concrete. We spent the whole day together and it was great. We had a lot of fun together and created everlasting memories. 

Of course, the fairytale had to end and I traveled back to work after two weeks. After a while, I even had to move to a more distant town than where I used to live, increasing the ever-so-long distance between my soulmate and me. Despite my toxic trait creeping in where I avoid my issues until I must resolve them, she remained my ever-steady soulmate. Every time I had an episode, she would patiently wait for me to return. I haven’t had anyone love me that deeply before. Regardless of my faults, Amaka was determined to be mine and always waited for me no matter how many times I left. 

As life moves on without labels

Fast forward two years down the line, during which we haven’t physically seen each other in person as life had other plans for us. We weren’t able to have conversations as often as usual, and the distance made everything seem to drag by slowly without each other.  We decided to be lovers without a label. Yeah, you read that right – lovers without a label. She wasn’t my girlfriend by name, but was totally in love with me and the same went for me. 

We couldn’t tie down each other’s wings as time passed on with life taking us in different directions. 

We still speak and text like lovers.  

I know she might be waiting on it like me.

“Babygirl, so you know, this isn’t the end yet.”

A girl holding the hands of an older woman from behind.
(Image courtesy of Antonio DiCaterina via Unsplash)