By the Light of the Moon

A night owl by trade

The whole thing was surreal and dreamlike. Sitting in a worn leather armchair, observation minutes in hand, keeping as quiet as possible, I was working nights and felt subterranean, or was it subterfuge? The whole world’s fast asleep while I was in a private, secured facility with a duty to be wide-eyed and, in a sense, on guard. 

The work itself was seldom eventful. The bulk of the challenge was the reset to the long nocturnal hours.

As lone residential staff

I experienced working nights in the UK at two distinct engagements. 

One was working a month-on, month-off cycle of days and nights of 12-hour shifts. As you can imagine, sleep cycle hell. It would be about two and a half to three weeks in when I’d finally feel acclimated, and then it was over. That was a lone engagement. I was a one-man night staff for a two-story residential building. A sky-high caffeine intake and riding out one’s sense of exhaustion were non-negotiable to start with. Yet past the opening initiation rites, I had an office to myself, bright lighting, a kitchen, and writing to get on with. Undisturbed, alone, and in continued quiet, this was a safe haven to let the imagination run wild. Frankly, I’d be sullen and half-depressed when returning to daylight was next on the rotation. 

Never have I had such a raw sense of discovering golden, secret pockets of time and stealing those hours.

On the adolescent ward

The second was an entirely different deal tonally. I was working nights for about two and a half months at a time as a Senior Healthcare Assistant in an acute adolescent mental health ward. Duties, multifaceted, could include guarding safety and boundaries,  self-care and dignity within distress.

The drama was low, barring a rambunctious start and end to some shifts. Right when the staff changeover would take place, the whole ward could be spirited to test boundaries, literally and otherwise. But it was mainly being awake and alert for issues when the young people slept. Just that dynamic alone gave a parental vibe to it. Particularly when a circadian kick of tired would bloom to life: I’m awake so you can sleep. There felt some kind of undercurrent, an unspoken sacrifice to the work. All right … maybe coffee-drenched sleep deprivation colors your thinking and feeling, I’ll give you that. 

On returning from the fjords

After the UK nights, I worked my third and last night shift job in Norway, as land staff for cruises. I served as an Embarking/Disembarking Agent for retirees making trips in and out of the Oslo fjords. Suited and booted, I was the all-smiling, polite signpost on legs, working in hotels around Oslo. This was a job whose only drama hit when it came to hotel room sizes, since some guests were close to apoplectic about their demands. The shifts themselves were otherwise slow-burn and simple.

A Norwegian town, built upon a sea channel and surrounded by mountains, is dusted in fresh snow.
(Image courtesy of hyperlux via Morguefile)

I’d be in charge of the early risers, to get people on a coach to catch flights back home. The logistics were straightforward, as the concierge was always helpful, kind, and polite.

It was more the invisible, sleuth-like status that waiting in hotel lobbies in the dead of night gave. The night itself lent an air of film noir mystery. Soft light caressed golden and felt surfaces with spotless floors. The morning staff arriving, the night staff taking off, and revelers of the night returning to rest or collapse. I felt witness to a part of life I kinda shouldn’t be privy to. Dressed up and available in the lobby, my own desk, but not part of the hotel staff really. Needed when necessary, but otherwise not exactly there. As cars passed by in the cold darkness, I walked around a warm glowing foyer, a footnote to the surrounding world. Then again, wouldn’t you know it, I might just have got a little bit of writing done…

A mythical groove where creativity flows freely

I was always a night owl as a younger man, just a part of trying to steal more of the day. The hours between midnight and 3 AM could feel like a mythical groove for creative freedom seldom found. 

Yes, across nightwork and prior insomnia, writing has typically come alive for me. In years since, I’ve come to learn this could well be absolute guff, and there may be nothing better for creativity than a good night’s sleep. However, I can miss those hours. I can miss that sense I was up when the world fell fast asleep. That among all the quiet, in anonymity, I was carving out and discovering something I didn’t even know was there

I can’t advise being a night owl for creativity or otherwise. It might just leave you with a rather contemptuous relationship with the early morning. Yet there was some indescribable romantic glow of the deep of night with eyes wide open. An anesthetic contentment in isolation? An accidental high from screwing up a circadian rhythm? A little false power trip from having something others didn’t? 

I don’t know, but there’s nothing quite like being a night owl by trade. For better or for worse, I’m yet to find anything that compares. 

A snowy owl stares into the camera and hoots.
(Image courtesy of Alfred Kenneally via Unsplash)

My Voice? It Was Right There on the Page

Discovering my voice through writing was surprisingly found in the silence of the process itself. 

Since childhood, I have always had a natural connection with people, and talking to others came naturally to me. So, it took me some time to realize that my true calling was in writing.

Journaling away my stuttering

Yet dealing with difficulties in speaking fluently and experiencing stuttering during my childhood made it hard to express myself verbally. This challenge drove me to begin using journals as a way of communicating when speaking felt overwhelming. With each passing day, I made gradual improvements, and unexpectedly I developed a passion for writing, finding solace and peace in it. 

I turned what appeared to be a weakness into a motivator for self-improvement. 

As I got older, writing became more than just an escape. It emerged as a potent tool for self-expression. Despite having strong opinions, I was challenged by verbal expression. Writing provided me with the bravery to advocate for myself and express my thoughts fervently. For instance, working on articles for my university publication allowed me to explore those topics deeply. For example, how can an individual bridge continents?

This year has been a time of great change for me. Through my work in storytelling and content creation, I encountered a wide range of voices and narratives, highlighting the role of writing in engaging with others. By analyzing and writing compelling stories for my university’s website, I have learned how to present complex ideas engagingly. This work was not only about writing, it involved skillfully combining information and emotion to make a significant impact. 

The experience strengthened my belief in the ability of written words to influence, motivate, and express without fear.

Writing as retaliation

A yellow smiley face resting on a bed of black and white flowers.
(Image courtesy of Prince Patel via Unsplash)

Now that I have a clear sense of purpose, I yearn to be in an environment where I can share my ideas and use my skills to make a positive difference. I crave continuous growth and self-improvement and want to shine, gain confidence, and master my craft. Most importantly, I want to feel proud and have others recognize my abilities. 

The recent projects I’ve undertaken have only deepened my commitment to this path, showing me that writing is not just a passion but a vocation that can drive real change outside and fulfillment inside. My writing is the free voice I always deserved, right there.

Say the word, one word

My writing journey has transformed me from struggling with a stutter to discovering my truest, fluid voice. 

In my journey, I overcame obstacles to genuinely express myself. I am determined to find an environment where I can thrive, grow continually, and make a meaningful impact. Writing is not merely a passion, but a fundamental part of who I am. Through my writing, I aim to inspire and forge connections with others, contributing to a better world. One word at a time.

Ultimately, my deep connections with people throughout my life, combined with my speaking challenges, made me recognize the significance of writing. It brought comfort and a means of self-expression, turning my weaknesses into strengths and feeding my drive for personal growth and positive change. 

Writing didn’t just grant me a voice — it helped shape the person I am today, and with each word, I evolve unencumbered. 

A picture of a faceless person in a blue sweater sitting at a desk, preparing to write in a notebook.
(Image courtesy of Pixabay via pexels)

Will You Be My Long-term Career Match?

Really, where is this match-made-in-heaven?

With the ever-increasing population comes a decrease in resources. Or will the next baby be the genius who solves hunger, poverty, cancer, pollution, dry skin, and loneliness?

This confusion is but one area that gives people difficulty in choosing their careers, while others seem to fall into a pot of gold. 

There is always pressure when it comes to one’s future in terms of work and source of livelihood. Have you ever been in a position where the career you adored suddenly became an out-of-choice nothing? Maybe it is overcrowded or not looking as lucrative as it did. Many times, people find themselves in career paths they never had a passion for. Then the passion rises later or never at all. 

Having witnessed these questions, you might wonder how you will know what your career will be in the long run? Who doesn’t want the job/career that is the match made in heaven? 

Career choice is indeed different from the actual career itself. For many people, there is the bitterness with their job. For instance, you might think teaching is just tutoring and lecturing in front of students, but there is much more: the commitment and all the professional documents you need to become the ideal teacher.

Now, for someone falling into the dilemma of what his/her career will be, here are some points that I found will keep you at peace when you are ready. 

Look at yourself, look at your options

These bits worked for me, and I am sure they will help you too: Self-observation and considering many options. Recognize and evaluate your skills, interests, values, and career objectives, but don’t forget to find out about the job market, to project salaries and scrutinize educational requirements.

Who am I, and what skills do I have now or need soon?

Employers are all looking for skilled employees. Someone who they are sure will bring value to their place of work. You need to understand what set of skills you have that you can execute for top results — productive and unique. 

For instance, when I was about to apply for the post of Student Outsourcing Coordinator at Biomed Laboratory Limited, I was obliged to read and evaluate my experience and honestly scrutinize myself if I had what it took to take up this role. 

Although the job requirements stressed knowledge of microbiology, histopathology, and neuropathology I had trained on during my studies, I was still not certain if I had the skills right and went back to my notebooks. I even called my former facilitator to help me understand what the job demanded. Having done all this, I realized that indeed I had the right skills, and so I applied for the job with courage. Through my field experience, I developed skills with real applications, not just theory. 

How would I recognize my true interests?

Most people have fallen into the trap of getting into careers that they never wanted or had a love for. This is the point where the CVor resume is convincing, but is full of uncertainties. I was almost becoming a victim of this frustration when I was applying for the Outsourcing Coordinator position for Biomed Lab.  I saw it was important to follow what resonates well with me, working with students and assisting them in getting lab training. The fact that I was the bridge between what they learned in theory and actualizing that material in real world situations is what motivated me.

Surely, my interest was not in working in the lab only, but also in helping others get a chance to create an experience. So first understand what your passion and interests are — things that when you do them, you feel motivated, and not because you have no other option.

Do the company values match my own?

You need to make sure that the career you yearn for holds the matching set of values and principles that will set the ground for an easy time while at the job, and not those that will conflict with your standards. When I joined Biomed Lab as their employee, the work environment was in harmony with my values of cooperating instead of competing, with good communication and a genuine urge to help every student achieve their goals. 

Yet I was afraid that the experience I had during my internships would recur in this new work environment, where nobody cared about the feelings of an individual, only what they gave to the company. But I am happy to say that at Biomed, we share values, making my job enjoyable — fertile for growth —and therefore more meaningful than the internship. 

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Which career objectives will make my career bloom?

Objectives are very important to sift through when it comes to knowing how your career will grow. Before you choose that career, plot out the goals you want that field to achieve clearly and understand how you will achieve them within that career. With this landscape in mind, you are sure your future career will bloom with the harvest you envision. 

Having clearly defined objectives made me courageous when new opportunities poked up. Before I applied to Biomed, I reviewed whether the position I applied for matched what I wanted to ultimately reap

I have always yearned for a working domain where science, education, and people meet. But how would it actually turn out when I finally accepted a job with my feet on the ground? Fortunately, I got a role that connected students to lab practices, which to me was the right path towards achieving my career goals. At least it was a start. I gained experience in communication, organization, and leadership, the experience I was expecting to achieve in the long run of promoting public health research and training.  

Don’t worry, setting goals does not mean you limit yourself to that scope alone, but rather helps you work purposefully. Focusing.

How is my job market operating right now?

Another way of determining what your future job will look like is through the job market. Conduct some research on easy websites to identify the trends of how the career you want is now absorbing employees. Review various careers and assess which ones best fit your expectations based on the market

For example, I never considered knowing how my own job market would relate to me getting real opportunities. I later faced how important it is to understand the market when I was looking for career options during my final year of school.

I was shocked to learn that my intended field of lab positions was overcrowded and at the same time offered limited job titles. This constraint compelled me to research other flexible but related roles where my skills would still count.  Luckily, I came across Biomed actively hiring at that time and even offering a position related to what I wanted — not exactly, but at least in the same area of interest. So, stay updated on the jobs that are actually in demand and highly competitive in terms of the salary offered.

Which salary should I expect?

Pay is another important factor to consider when thinking about taking on a given career. You need to predict the wages you are likely to be paid for some balance between the labor given and the salary you get in return. This range will save you from exploitation by your employer.  

(Image courtesy of micheile henderson via Unsplash)

Before I applied for the Coordinator role, I took some time to research salary expectations in similar roles. I did not just focus on the immediate salary, but also on the likely future salary, should I secure a higher rank. You don’t owe interviewers your idea of your salary expectations, but you need to know what the market will bear as you react to their offers.

This “digging” would help ensure that my salary grew relative to the work I put in,  with room for advancement.  As much as salary should not be the center of focus for an employee, having an idea of what to expect financially helps prepare a balance between input and output,  to avoid overextending yourself or being used.

Which education (or paper proof) do I need?

Once you have identified a career that you want to pursue, how will you get there? Figure out which educational and then professional goals you should aim for, 

Personally, I looked for whatever would enable me to work seamlessly in the lab training field, thus identifying shortfalls in my knowledge of biological science. When I first decided to apply for the position in student outsourcing, I understood that having overall knowledge about science would be of great help. Still, I needed to be sure what the employers were specifically searching for.  I conducted research mostly to know what qualifications and degrees were in demand in my line of work. With this knowledge I was driven to consider positions that could offer promotions — space for growth and continuous improvement. 

You must familiarize yourself with the various levels of programs-training-certificates you can take to enable you to rise in your career path and attain achievements easily. In other words, choose a career trajectory that will see you get promoted easily, and not a career that will stunt you. 

Taking it all in for me

Taking the above factors into consideration from evaluating skills to understanding salary expectations, I applied for the role at Biomed easily, since they helped me match my personal goals, values, and interests with the opportunities that were available there. 

The primary aspect is knowing that my career was not about predicting my future, but plowing in to learn more about my career without guessing wildly. Through self-evaluation of my skills, weighing my interests and personal values, having clear goals, knowing about the job market, and making sure that my salary balanced with my labor, I was able to come up with good strategies to navigate my way into and through my career.

As I continue to develop new skills in this position, the same factors guide me confidently in getting new opportunities, whether I will consider advancing in this field of work or looking for new career directions entirely. 

Who knows, maybe you are the baby who next solves the world’s challenges, starting with your own almost-perfect career that at least matches you. 

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Honesty is the Best Policy — and Most Profitable One

Teaching in a school and pay lags are forever associated. I am an education officer serving as a mathematics teacher in one of the government high schools here in Nigeria. 

Between a rock and a hard place

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As a government school teacher in my country, you cannot survive financially without a side income. 

Starting a chain of tuition and coaching centers could be a good solution for a teacher, especially for a mathematics teacher. Ironically, if you want to go professional by establishing coaching centers for external exam candidates, you would have to be corrupt to make money out of it. No student would patronize centers where exam malpractices are forbidden

Another option for poorly paid teachers to cope financially is to run other parallel businesses alongside their teaching profession. Although this option is unprofessional, it’s always preferred by teachers like me who innately hate cheating. 

I joined a government school and started my own business with the small amount of money I had saved from my years of working with private schools. Unfortunately, not even a year passed and my business crumbled. Insufficient starting capital. Evacuating the rented shop was tough, but I had to. 

That capital? 

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It hit hard on me, but the idea of reorganizing the business never left me. All I needed was capital! Where to raise it though, the very thought haunted me. Nobody around whom I knew would lend me anything. Not even a small sum, let alone the big capital I was looking for. I was now subsisting on my salary alone, adding to my financial challenges. 

I did not let myself down. I worked hard looking for ways to secure the backbone of my dead business. I wanted to revive it and needed to buy an electric generator.

One of those desperate days, my wife brought home the information that her sister wanted to sell her electric generator at a discounted price, but I couldn’t afford even one-tenth the price she quoted. I looked at her with dejected hope. She knew the extent of my poverty. We were helpless.

Texting my plea

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Instead of submitting to my fate, I started thinking of ways to get money to secure the facility. My mind just landed on a friend of mine who studied with me at a polytechnic school, now a lecturer at the British University of Bahrain. I was hesitant, but I was in need. A very close and helpful friend I felt I could quickly reach out to. I didn’t want any opportunity to slip out of my hands. 

How I would put it to him was another problem. I intended to ask for a loan from him. But could I borrow such a large sum from someone who hasn’t been in Nigeria with me to see whether I’m lying or telling the truth? I just gave it a try through a voice note. I was scared of talking to him directly and dreaded answering his questions. I opted to send it at night, believing that I would gain the courage to see his response by the time he saw the message in the morning. Amazingly, the next morning, I saw a bank alert message of exactly the amount I requested. I immediately checked my WhatsApp, my friend’s reply to the voice note said that I should only refund seventy percent of the money while the remaining thirty percent should be taken as a gift. 

The message left me speechless and with confused emotions. I expressed great gratitude to him for rendering me such an enormous favor, especially during my dire need, and even without confirming the truth of my words. Thank God, I was able to buy the generator.

The next hurdle to cross was to be able to pay back the loan in an installment of seven months, as my lender stated. I tried hard not to skip any of the seven consecutive months of payback. My friend was not here with me in Nigeria to pressurize me to pay back the monthly installments on time. I did not want to let down his trust in me.

Trust refinanced

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In the course of the loan period, a lot of my friends and relations who used to pity my financial condition advised me to stop paying it back. Of course, the money would have helped me and my family. They pestered me that my not paying back the money would not affect my friend, financially. After all, he was a lecturer receiving a robust salary from work. I turned a deaf ear to all the ill advice.

To my surprise, it was not long before I reaped the reward of keeping my promise. This was the month after the seventh month I had cleared the electric generator loan, my lecturer friend in Bahrain called me, first to thank me for returning the borrowed money, and second to take an estimate of executing my business plan — the one I had not followed through because of financial constraints.

As a Nigerian himself, he knew I couldn’t depend solely on the government’s ridiculous salaries for teachers. Impressed by my trustworthiness, he promised to lend me money again for my business. He even told me bluntly that he had done similar favors to so many people who happened to be his friends like me, but none of them reciprocated his kind gestures the way I did.

It was then that I realized it really, really pays to be honest, and that honesty pays well. He gave me a loan again. This time to restart my dead business, He asked me to run the business for four months before starting to pay back the capital at a very convenient installment rate of 18 months. I returned everything. Last month I sent the last one. 

Doing the math for my future

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Now, I have been able to achieve a lot of things from my resuscitated business — courtesy of my lecturer friend. I’m not even the only one benefitting from this reward for my trustworthiness. Two of my friends are now working with me running the business. 

Due to the attachment I have for teaching, I continue to teach. However, I intend to leave the country in order to receive a salary commensurate with what I have always offered in schools as a responsible and veteran mathematics teacher. 

Ctrl+Alt+Layoff

“So, you’re a pro at this. You know what you need to do.”

My therapist was trying her best to cheer me up amidst a shitstorm — our country falling apart and my being laid off. It will be my third time —I have to submit for unemployment again. 

“Imagine if this was your first time around,” she continued. “That’d be even worse — trying to figure out what to do with all of this happening. So, you at least know what you need to do.”

Where’s the safety net?

Thing is, I wish I didn’t. 

I actually don’t remember what I need to do at all as I write this. My brain has blanked out those parts of my memory, likely in an attempt to preserve a shred of my ego.

I hate this. I’m a proponent of welfare systems and safety nets — have been for as long as I can remember. I’ll tell you wholeheartedly that people who end up unemployed deserve help, regardless of what happened. I still stand by that.

I’m also the person who was always commended for my diligence and work ethic growing up. The overachiever. I never did the bare minimum. To do that would be to fail, to be lazy. And now, here I am, completely through no fault of my own — according to my former employer.

The one needing unemployment benefits for the third fucking time in my life.

I’m trying to apply now as I write this, and lo and behold, the NYS Department of Labor unemployment website is down. That feels… ironic? Fitting? Like some sort of sign from the universe stating a message in big, celestial letters? I don’t know anymore.

From the inside then to the outside now

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Here’s the thing: I interviewed people in my last three positions. And that’s how I know that all of these recruiters online saying you just need to tailor your every cover letter more or “use your network” are entirely out of touch with reality.

For one role,  literally over 700 people had applied. The founder of the company, because it was just the two of us at the time, asked me to do a first pass — and maybe a second and third. Out of those 700, maybe half fully met the qualifications. So, we had 350 individuals. 

We couldn’t interview them all, especially with just the two of us. We had to become pickier. So, who had more experience? Who had a more robust portfolio? Who had more education? On it went, until we could finally narrow it down to 15 or so individuals for an interview. 

We could hire only one person out of the 350, all of whom could definitely have done the job. We had to choose one

What do you do in that scenario?

Fast forward to another position, and my company was hiring for the person who would become my manager! It was very exciting, given that our marketing team was so small — just two of us — and we desperately needed the support. 

I can’t recall the exact number of individuals I helped interview. What I can say is that they had started interviewing for this position at least three months before I joined; it wasn’t until four or five months into my working there that they finally hired someone for the job. 

There were plenty of applicants, but some folks involved in the hiring process — who were much higher up the corporate ladder than my coworker and me — found something wrong with almost every single candidate. 

Some of the reasons: 

“He doesn’t seem to learn ‘actively’ enough.”

”She probably wouldn’t be able to push back against the SMEs (our experts) when needed.”

 And, of course, the classic, “Her attitude wasn’t great.” 

Eventually, they made a decision. It worked out that the person who was hired became one of the best managers I’ve ever had. Only for him to be laid off less than a year later.

At another job, we were hiring for an additional marketing team member — something we very much needed. I don’t know the total number of applicants. All I know is the three of us in the marketing team were provided about ten or so resumes and portfolios, give or take a few. The ones that had made it to this stage where we were interviewing them had already passed the initial interview process, so they clearly were qualified. 

So, how do you choose then? That answer depended on who you were talking to. 

Honestly

One applicant made a joke about Star Wars on their resume, and one of my coworkers thought that was too “cringe” to take him seriously and decided not to move forward with him.

Another applicant made the mistake of telling the truth. She confessed lacking knowledge in a specific area when another interviewer told her, “There are no wrong answers.” This coworker, after the meeting, explicitly stated that they had said the purpose was to “make the candidate feel more comfortable being honest,” so they could discern whether or not she had the right skills. Her honesty was her downfall. 

I know ethics can be subjective, but I was highly disturbed by this action.

So, no. It’s not about tailoring your resume or writing a perfect cover letter. And networking? It’ll help, but only to a degree. 

You need to have everything lined up — the experience, the tone, the timing.  And then you need a hiring team whose subjective views will accept you out of hundreds of equally qualified, if not more qualified, applicants.

I’ve seen both sides. Honestly, they’re both awful.  But at least on that side, I was getting paid.

Money, please

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It’s not like I’m doing nothing at all. I still have my dog-walking and pet-sitting side gig, and I’m doing a little freelance work here and there. I also hold a volunteer position, much as the title I have there gnaws at my imposter syndrome — Director? Me? What could I possibly contribute that would make it right for me to be the director of anything? I can’t even keep a fucking job.

My job tracker stares back at me as I type this. Sterile-white spreadsheet cells. No hope offered. Over 300 applications now — full-time, part-time, freelance, contract. And only two calls back. 

Well, technically, three. I had a recruiter reach out to me for a position with a major social media giant whose CEO met a revelation of needing more “masculinity” in the company and had just laid off thousands of highly qualified individuals. I turned down that conversation and job, thinking ‘You want male energy and called a Jessica; you’re a pig and called this Jessica; and if I took the job out of need despite all that, I’d still get canned due to the wrong energy field.’ Maybe only to also be labeled as an underperformer, with no evidence to back up that title.

I may feel like a fraud half of the time in my work, like I don’t deserve my title or my salary, but I know I’m not an underperformer. I am Jessica Day. If nothing else, I am a hard worker.

And yet, I’m left here with so many questions. So many frustrations. So many concerns.

How long will it take me to find a job? 

Will I ever find a job again?

Am I bad at everything I do? 

Am I always going to be laid off or furloughed? 

Is this going to happen again? And again? 

Can I trust any employer? 

Is it me? Is it them? What is it? 

Why has this happened? 

Why is our economy here yet again? 

When will people stop using “unprecedented” to describe this shitty moment in time? 

Will my generation ever know any semblance of calm? 

Will we ever be able to buy houses and have families and just have normal fears like what milk to buy instead of whether or not we can afford groceries?

I don’t know. 

I don’t know I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t. Fucking. Know. 

I wish I knew.

Where do we go from here?

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In the meantime, I’ve been tracking the layoffs happening in our country. I’ve currently tallied tens of thousands of individuals laid off since the beginning of January. I’m one of the many. 

It’s horrific to think of everyone who’s lost their position, their livelihood. They lost their stability, their sense of direction.

And no, they can’t all be underperformers. That’s highly improbable, as anyone with any understanding of statistics could tell you.

Spiraling would be the word I’d use here. For myself. For the economy. 

There’s no easy way out of this situation, and everyone has their own idea of what the best way out is. The fact is, there is no best way out. 

I have a friend who just finally found another job, and I’m so proud of and happy for her. She’s worked with globally known companies and at an upper-management level. It still took her over six months to finally land a job offer — and as a vice president no less, which is very exciting and so deserved. 

But I look at her, with her impressive resume and years of experience, and then I look at mine….

It took her over six months. 

How long will it take me? 

What if my partner loses his job, too? 

Will we be able to survive? 

Will we ever find jobs again? 

Will we be able to retire? 

Will we have Social Security?

See how the spiraling is easy to fall into? 

Once you fall in, you can’t pull yourself out.

But I’m a pro at this, as my therapist said. Not just applying for unemployment, though still feeling shame, but also surviving scary events in history.

I’ve lived through the ice storm of ‘98, Y2K, the dot-com bubble, the 9/11 attacks, the 2008 financial crisis, the H1N1 scare, COVID, and now… whatever we want to call this chaos we’re living through that is our entire world right now — right alongside the rest of my generation.

I’m a pro at surviving. 

I can do this. 

I’ve got this.

Right? 

right?

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The Doors of Misconception

A Hard Day’s Night  

It was a Thursday. The New Friday. The penultimate day of the working week. Not just any working week, either: my first working week earning a paycheck as a trainee lawyer. This was it – where all roads led. All the absurdly-late law library nights with book and pen in the heart of a traditional Red-Brick, Russell Group institution. The reward for such dedication was to be a career of even later nights behind a screen, waiting for something to happen. Those twilight hours would blur their way into early mornings, just as the lines were blurred between work and life. 

But that came later. This first week was the honeymoon period. A soft launch before the rough ride. It was a time for celebration and to reap the rewards of years of academic toil and social sacrifice. Just one day until that Friday feeling… 

It was autumn, but a cold one. The combination of unseasonal weather and a desire to look the part I was playing required a wool overcoat. I lived in the city, only a ten-minute walk from the office. This gave me enough time for a final check of the email inbox to top up a sense of self-importance that couldn’t quite be filled by the resentful looks that I mistook for awe from passersby who’d only ever seen a courtroom from the other side.

My work phone lit my face: one unread email, to the whole Corporate department, from a partner:

“Hi all, 

It seems that someone has taken my coat from the cloakroom. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding and, whoever you are, you need not ‘Reply All,’ but please do let me know if you have it and make sure that you safely return it tomorrow morning. 

Thank you”

I walked into my apartment where my girlfriend was getting ready for bed. It would soon be rare to see her on the safe side of midnight. I told her of my day at the office and the funny email I’d just received, reading it out in a mocking impression of the partner in question. I distinctly remember saying, “Who’d be stupid enough to take someone else’s coat?” as I was rudely interrupted by the appearance of said partner’s wallet landing heavily on my bed as I emptied “my pockets” like some sort of evidentiary exhibit in a burglary case. 

Revolver 

This was merely one of many baptisms by fire that my legal career had in store. But I recount it because it was my realization that the job I had begun bore very little connection to my legal education. Sure, I could write a thought-provoking, debate-contributing thesis, full of brilliant reasoning and endless ethical arguments while also compliantly-referenced within an inch of its life. Sure, I could produce reams and reams of color-coded revision notes with a matching stack of flashcards tall enough for a makeshift dinner table. Sure, I could regurgitate legislature, academic criticism, and textbook quotes to fill the blank pages of a three-hour exam–

But when it came to understanding the strange etiquette of an office environment – the employee hierarchy; how much small-talk was appropriate in the restrooms; how to distinguish between an “open door policy” and a door that had been slammed in anger; how much procrastination to build into each day to ensure there’d be at least two hours’ work remaining at contracted home time so I could stay late; putting 1,000 numbered pages into lever-arch files while a pin-striped millionaire barked Millennial-hating orders; or to which political faction of the “team” to align myself to maximise career prospects – I was out of my depth.

In this gladiatorial arena, it seemed one needed to arm oneself. And, it seemed, the only weapon with which my enviable university education had sent me into battle was a robotically-high tolerance for alcohol.  

“If you have a law degree you’ll be able to do anything,” they said. “It’ll open a lot of doors for you.” 

(Image courtesy of Tomás Robertson)

Will I? Did it? It opened plenty of doors to rooms I didn’t want to stay in, that’s for sure. It’s now eight years hence and I’m three months into my new career as a writer. Other than a couple of forward-looking organizations that have provided me with an outlet to build my portfolio on a voluntary basis, it’s been nothing but tumbleweeds. 

No employers are interested in my A*s or my Bachelor’s Degree (with Hons), my MSc in Business, my commercial awareness, research skills, forensic attention to detail, managerial and budgeting experience, written and verbal communication, ability to put people at ease, or my unique sense of perspective. What they want is “at least 3 years of employed experience as a writer.” If I can’t get experience until I’ve had a job and I can’t get a job until I’ve had experience, then the doors opened by my fancy degree are revolving ones, at best. 

If I could make legal submissions to the UK job market as it waxes lyrical about “transferable skills,” I’d say that for my seven years in the legal industry I was a writer. 

Every day (and they were many and long), I crafted detailed audience-focused advice notes for sophisticated and unsophisticated clients. I drafted witness statements to High Court specifications. I instructed barristers of the Queen’s (and King’s) Counsel. I wrote articles to promote my firm’s expertise in the market, optimized for SEO clicks before anyone knew what SEO even meant. And, at least once a day, I was fine-tuning my passive-aggression via email whilst defending some historical decision somebody had made but nobody could remember.  

Help! 

Sometimes, in my life’s quest to find The Doors of Perception, I think that the only doors I’ve opened are The Doors Of Misconception and, sometimes, I wish I hadn’t – for those who live in blind ignorance of their own warped sense of reality are often more content. 

I jest, of course. As my wife keeps telling me, it’s still early days for my writing and I’m sure my experience will pay dividends soon. Something will turn up. For all the disappointing actuality in the face of expectation and for all the surprise that nothing is quite as I imagined it would be, if my life has taught me anything thus far (as you might guess from my subheadings), it’s that The Beatles weren’t wrong about much. And if The Beatles have taught me anything, it’s that “there’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be.”

I’m prepared to trust the process, as exhausting as it may be – at least until my savings run out. 

Cadence: I Got Rhythm

Life and career in a funk? Find your rhythm or change it up

Self-improvement?

It was a dark and stormy night, but let me say something first. 

I struggle with procrastination a lot, as you see. I can stay in a rut for ages, and there are times when I just want to give up when I find my life and work pointless. Some self-improvement gurus online say we should change our routine and do more self-care. Others say we should try something new or practice Ikigai, the Japanese art of finding one’s purpose in life. I cringe at how people talk about Ikigai outside of Japan. I lived there for six years, and no local I met ever talked about it. It’s all just hype, unless you read from Ken Mogi’s book exclusively. Anything else is just Western productivity bro hack-speak that totally misses the point. Ikigai is about finding satisfaction in the little things, rather than figuring out what you are good at and what the world needs. Those Venn diagram representations you see online are nothing more than poor attempts by management writers to turn us into more productive robots.

I read about staying motivated at work from the internet, like most of us do, I’m sure. The blogs I read all say similar things: we need to find purpose at work, change our attitude toward our job, or find something more meaningful. I am all for these things, but my squabble comes from noticing that people still leave meaningful jobs anyway. Take, for instance, the people who work in social impact or for the not-for-profit sector. Their jobs do not pay very well but they are considered meaningful in the sense they do good for other people and the reward for it is intrinsic. High feel-good factor over monetary value. No one does charity to become rich themselves. Now, I think these motivation problems are important because businesses cannot run efficiently without people who want to work there. 

This insight came about during an outdoor dinner on a stormy night in a water village in my home country.

Dinner on stilts

The evening rain accompanied us steadily on the evening of January 29th, 2025 while driving towards a restaurant for dinner. My EduTech boss and I were in the car driving our CEO and COO from their hotel near the Brunei International Airport to Kota Batu, a historical area in our capital city of Bandar Seri Begawan. Kota Batu used to be the ancient capital of our country and is now home to museums and a section of the Water Village, a national tourist attraction and traditional residential area. Our colleague who recommended the restaurant to us that night wanted to share some traditional Bruneian hospitality to our seniors, by way of doing this.

When we exited the car, we boarded a wooden walkway to get to the diner, as it was in the area of the Bruneian Water Village, the site of the old capital. The Brunei River lapped against the wooden stilts beneath us, iridescent from the light of lanterns and fluorescent lamps that lit the restaurant verandah. 

That  CTO got rhythm

The smell of barbequed meat skewers, which we call satay in our local language of Malay hung around the air, whetting our appetites. We settled at our reserved table and got into a conversation about business and our plans for the company. One thing that stood out to me during the conversation was how our C-Suite (minus one) spoke about the CTO, who was absent. They credited him with the success of the business, as a master of a flow called “cadence”. 

I had always known cadence in poetry and music — the rise and fall of the arc of a melody, the measured rhythm of words. But here, on this stilt house turned restaurant, against the backdrop of a lighting-filled sky with gentle evening rain, I learned something new about cadence in business. Or life. 

Nearby, fishermen cast their nets into the river, guided by their flashlights and their fishing instincts. As they worked, my mind caught onto the idea of a kind of rhythm in business workflows. Just as village fishermen knew where to cast their nets and the time to cast them without the aid of sonar onboard a modern fishing vessel, modern business pros know how to optimize their routines when they work. Our CTO was on top of things, like knowing how to handle customer complaints or feedback, the marketing, or even just how to make a website work using his tech wizardry. All this, his peers said, came down to his cadence or workflow. They praised his time management skills, his ability to take naps when he wants, and his overall mastery of his daily schedule. 

He was like the encyclopedic entry of cadence itself. 

I caught on to this idea quickly through their introduction. This tale brought the joy of discovering a word anew, one that was in my vocabulary, unused, picked up somewhere in the course of my studies, but only usable for work through business jargon. 

I thought of Mogi’s ikigai, which emphasized that life’s purpose and happiness go hand in hand. Mogi, a neuroscientist, said “Ikigai starts from very small things, like just having a cup of coffee.”

Embracing routine

Aligning purpose with habit is also found in this philosophy of ikigai, which is like a spectrum for embracing purpose in work, play, and life in general. Productivity or management writers like to express this concept in Venn diagrams, which get it wrong, as they are more the idea of aligning purpose with passion for the sake of a productive workflow. Ikigai, for Mogi, starts with gratitude rather than the expressed purpose of improving personal efficiency or effectiveness. Which also makes it distinct from cadence. Yet, how they are similar is that Ikigai-like cadence embraces routine. 

There is a kind of rhythm or harmony in the flow of life and work, much like the way the fisherman is connected to working with nature. It gives the confidence to fish in the middle of the rain or even a light storm, because he knows his catch is always there. 

As my company bosses and colleagues stepped outside into the damp night, the rain stopped. And then, suddenly, the sky above Bandar Seri Begawan erupted in light — bursts of gold and crimson, crackling fire against the murky river. The fireworks signaled the arrival of Chinese New Year in our Malay Capital, their shimmering reflections rippling across the water. 

I stood there captivated as we posed for a group picture.  

Rhythm. Movement. Repetition. Turning Point. Result. It wasn’t just poetry or business — it was life itself. 

Rhythmic pattern in skylight view of circular stained glass Bolkiah Mosque, Bandar Seri Begawan, Brunei
(Image courtesy of Hung Li via Unsplash)

Breaking the Tether: My Writer’s Journey

I’d like to tell you the story of a young boy named Wylie Sowden.

The beginning of the story

Wylie was brought into the world on a cold October morning — a scraggly-haired, wimpish boy, full of innocence, promise, and curiosity. He was an artist to his core with an imagination to move mountains. He had a good heart. Back then, he couldn’t have known how much he was about to suffer.

When Wylie is 16, his brother, Michael, drowns off the coast of Marin County. Devastated, Wylie convinces himself that he was responsible for it. He was there when it happened. He could have done something, but he was too afraid. The guilt swallows him whole. In his grief, Wylie becomes self-destructive. He sacrifices his own happiness for the sake of repentance, leading him into several perilous scenarios…

One day, Wylie wakes up to find himself stranded in an abandoned parking garage he doesn’t recognize — a mysterious voice in his head telling him to complete various tasks… Wait. No, scratch that. Way too heady.

(Image courtesy of Two Dreamers via Pexels)

One day, Wylie wakes up with the ability to blink people out of existence with his eyes. Well, how does that remotely relate to anything?

One day, Wylie wakes up tied to a chair in a basement, slowly uncovering a tight-knit conspiracy between a family of mafia brothers, a shapeshifting reporter, and a psychopathic casino owner. WHO are all these CHARACTERS?

One day, Wylie wakes up. Yep. In juvenile detention. Sure. He confronts embodied representations of the five stages of – Yeah, no, absolutely not.

One day… Wylie wakes up… and Michael returns as an amorphous, faceless ghost, attached to Wylie’s hip by a tether. Hey… A ghostly, incorporeal tether… That could work. How better to show off Wylie’s unending guilt and the bond between brothers than a literal representation of said bond? A tether.

Tethered to indecision

(Image courtesy of Reafon Gates via Pexels)

I had 10 months to write the screenplay for “Tether” in the year I completed my Master’s degree. I had about fifteen, sixteen, seventeen different narratives, squashed into a turmoil of indecision, fighting for attention. My first draft was completed two weeks before the final submission deadline. That’s… insane.

Wylie and Michael had existed from the beginning. The brotherly relationship and the themes of grief and acceptance were at its core. Still, I found myself unable to bring a single draft to completion, uncertainty eating away the months like wildfire. To this day, I’ve wondered how this happened. Did I dislike the ideas I was creating? Hardly. Did I doubt they would make a good story? Not necessarily. On reflection, my indecision was spurned by something entirely different.

From the outset of any scriptwriting degree, you will be taught about the three-act structure and all its variations. The hero’s journey, the relationships between archetypes, the importance of fatal flaws, wants and needs, genre conventions, plotting, pace, and so on. The so-called “master tools” of storytelling — the structure.

I urge you to disregard all these things. Absorb them, internalize them. Discard them.

Structure and flow fighting for attention

You may often hear the first pass of a script referred to as the “vomit draft.” A writer is encouraged to write continuously, effectively vomiting their ideas onto the page. Get their unrefined marble on the plinth before they start to carve it, so to speak. While this sounds good on paper, the execution can be daunting and there’s a reason for that:

Structure interrupts the flow.

Of course, structure is vital, especially later on in the process. It must be introduced to refine a story. But in the early stages, it’s a serious roadblock that threatens individuality, especially for creatives. Any official scriptwriting resource will teach you to write “properly,” enforcing a systematic standard for what makes a “good” story. The inciting incident must happen by page 10, and the turning point by page 30. We must know all our major characters and their motivations before disrupting the equilibrium. The protagonist must confront their flaws and choose values over desires, yadda yadda yadda. All these techniques are tried and tested. They work. They’re commercial. Surely they will aid a writer looking to craft their first smash hit?

Let go for the first draft

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: any idea that you propose for a project is highly unlikely to translate into a final product. Never get too attached to ideas. In the end, I was too attached to Wylie. He had two ghosts haunting him: Michael, tethered to his hip, pulling him around, fueling his pain, and then me… tethered to his hip, pulling him around, fueling his pain. I determined that his journey had to make sense and have merit when a plethora of narratives presented themselves as alternatives. Any one of these ideas could have provided a diving board into a different conflict, a different protagonist, a different world.

I didn’t finish a single one of them.

I couldn’t make them fit inside the structural conventions I was being fed throughout the course. I ruled them out, thinking they were too conceptual, too convoluted. I was making excuses for starting over. I thought that I was making efficient decisions for the merit of the story.

In reality, the journey of bringing a vomit draft to completion will reveal what your story is meant to be. You must allow yourself to fail so that ideas can evolve and change.

This is not exclusive to screenwriting. Novelists, playwrights, poets, comedians, actors, artists, dancers — all creatives are bound by the conventions of structure. A level of detachment is healthy and inspiring in the early stages of emerging work.

The discipline of imperfection

Any writer worth their salt should practice a discipline of imperfection. Get comfortable with terrible writing. Develop fully drawn characters that are destined for the chopping block. Build wonders and erect dreams, knowing they’ll come crashing down. A good friend of mine once said that “there’s no good writing, only rewriting” and this could not be more fundamental. Your project will always be improving but a full page is more motivating than a blank one.

Never let the idea of the best be the enemy of the better.

Finally, an ending

Wylie’s story ends on the beach where it began, confronting the site of Michael’s death. Still tethered to his brother’s ghost, Wylie strides into the waves and imagines one of his drawings descending from the sky – a life-size illustration of Voyager 1. He knows that Michael’s greatest love was space. The idea of exploring the cosmos. Now, he can give Michael a chance. The ghost boards the spacecraft, soaring up into the stars. The tether pulls tighter and tighter until finally… it snaps.

Untethered

I cried, writing those final scenes. The moment of breaking the tether was very meaningful to me. It was a form of acceptance, much like Wylie’s. I had concluded a project of massive scale while still acknowledging and accepting its imperfections, wishing goodbye to ideas abandoned along the way. Finally, I knew that Wylie had a form of happiness. 

After everything that I’d put him through, he deserved that.

He deserved an ending.

(Image courtesy of Seymasungr via Pexels)

The writer’s journey is different for everyone. Some prefer to plot every minute detail before setting pen to paper. Others prefer to dive in headfirst, improvise, and let the words unleash themselves. Inevitably, structure must be enforced in the end. But never shy away from chaos. Leave yourself room for wonder. Shut off the conscious brain, if just for a moment, for I firmly believe that everyone has a meaningful story to reveal.

You just might not be aware of it.

Own Your Degree and Your Mental Health

Depression is a fickle thing. Becoming depressed is not easily predictable. The best days can be immediately followed by the worst. Still, there are behavior management patterns that can help mitigate its effects. For example, I know that I get very insecure if I use too much energy.   

Confused about emotions

The path that I am on now is long and twisted. At the beginning of this journey, I knew almost nothing about depression, nor did I believe that what I was feeling was depression. I felt like I was exaggerating my emotions or faking it. I didn’t want to believe the changes I was undergoing. Even though my family recognized it and I had a therapist, I still didn’t completely believe I was depressed. 

It’s common for depressed people to feel like they are either tricking everyone into thinking they have depression or finding some other way of feeling like an imposter. 

My depression made me feel like I was ripped from society and I had to fight.

Fight to connect. 

Fight to connect with myself. 

Fight to connect with myself in bits. 

An effort made, even a little—

Strand by strand, I’m pulling myself back.

Support systems

I was privileged enough that my depression was not ignored by those around me, and they shared what they noticed. I was lucky enough to get a good therapist on my first try. This luck was due to the fact that my therapist was found as a result of my parents’ effort. My therapist was lovely. She helped me work through things I was hiding while I invalidated myself. 

I was very anxious in the months before university. My therapist was great at helping me through my anxieties and making plans with me to make the transition to campus easier.   

The things that worried me about school were the academic workload and the fact that I would have to be more independent than I had ever been before. University was in a  different city, away from the one I had lived in my entire childhood. I was anxious. Though a meal plan solved the problem of setting aside time to cook, I needed to budget my time and energy like never before. My first year at university was made easier thanks to the support systems I had, like my therapist and loved ones. 

My new and old friends were key to making my first year a good one. My old friends made me feel supported. My new friends made me feel welcome. Having a community was important, and being a part of one allowed me to grow during my first year. 

(Image courtesy of Mikhail Nilov via Pexels)

My two biggest roadblocks when it comes to succeeding academically are motivation and depressive episodes. Because of this, academic accommodations were another boon that helped me succeed during my first year of university. The school administrators understood that I needed some extra help. I am able to take my tests and exams in a different building than other students so I am not distracted. I also get extra time to finish my papers. Additionally, I get extensions when turning in assignments and can miss a few classes without repercussions. These accommodations take pressure off me to perform my best when I’m at my lowest. 

Boosting myself

Self-motivation is something I’ve struggled with for years. Being unmotivated is definitely a difficult mindset to have. There is no one solution for overcoming it. It’s also not something that I can just force myself through. 

There are a few things that I do to fight the absence of productivity that comes with a lack of motivation: I sit with other people as they do their work, I put on timers to count down the time I have left to work, and I have my accommodations. Often, I have to ask for help.

Learning to ask for help has been hard but at the same time, very rewarding. When I ask for help, I almost always receive it. But asking for help also requires vulnerability, something that is not easy to confront. Part of the process of trusting others is to trust them enough to let them in. Getting to be that much closer to those around me was amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. 

(Image courtesy of energepic.com via Pexels)

Sometimes it’s a matter of time before my depression gets in the way of my productivity. Sometimes nothing works and I have to wait until the depressive wave ebbs. Sometimes it feels like there is an elephant on my chest and the effort to get its weight off is not worth making. 

When these moments happen, I need to remember that it will leave if I don’t let it push me deeper into the ground.

Depressive episodes pass. 

Assignments get done. 

Time keeps ticking and everything keeps moving on. 

Every university experience is different, but I think every student needs to be patient with themselves because we are all growing. A degree may not be everything, but mental health is. Approaching difficult tasks may be scary, but there are many ways to handle the hard things in life. 

I can be depressed and in university. You can struggle and find the parts of life that are worth living for.  

(Image courtesy of Cottonbro Studio via Pexels)

Hectic and Unemployed

What do unemployed writers do?

They keep themselves occupied by working on their writing and honing their skills. I know this because my current status is “unemployed writer.”

This is because I am focusing on building a career in writing. And it was not an overnight decision. I’ve written for many years now, thanks to the skills I developed so I could live as an experienced writer. Writing was just my side hustle, but shifting to a full-time writing career needed a lot of “mindful inner engineering”, including coping with worries about no paychecks.

Naysayers ask me to rethink my decision, but I am adamant about nurturing my desire. So, armed with just a dream, I have set out to establish myself as a writer.

There are a few universal beliefs that guide me and work for me. 

Use what you can. 

Working it

For me, the essence of hard work is perseverance — hanging in there, trying different strategies and seeing which ones succeed, and traveling over rough terrain to reach my goal. Staying the course, even when faced with a series of failures, is what I define as hard work. Hard work does not mean simply putting in the hours by tweaking a few applications and applying for X number of jobs every day. I invest every minute I can to do all that there is to be done. This is the kind of hard work that I love. 

If you redefine the meaning of your own hard work, I believe that you will achieve all your goals.

 Without that meaning, you will not. 

Discipline, eight days a week

When boredom sets in, when I am low on inspiration, or when I have no desire to carry on, I think of this word. It is the key ingredient I keep in my kitty. Showing up regardless of how I feel is something I prioritize. Showing up involves working on blogs, creating pitches, and engaging with the writing community on social media platforms. I do this every single day – including weekends. 

Writing itself is simply discipline.

Dedication in a jar

I am dedicated to becoming the best writer because I love the craft. Organizing my desk, documents, and thoughts helps me. I maintain a Word document where I jot down ideas – even the smallest of thoughts, a single word. Everything goes into that document. 

After reaching my desk, I scour that document for inspiring and useful ideas and start working on blogs, articles, and fiction.

Saves time, stores ideas.

Unrelenting

I am relentless in my pursuits. I wasn’t always like this, but experience and life’s hard knocks have shaped this side of my personality. In seeking success, I also investigate and identify the areas in which I need to boost my skills, and by doing so, make plans to expand my repertoire. 

Once I have a sliver of an idea, I register for online courses and upgrade my knowledge.

You might have noticed my plate is overflowing. I, too, am aware of this. At times I become overwhelmed, wondering where this path is going. Will it take me towards my goals? 

I am riddled with insecurities, just like so many others out there. During such times, I tell myself, “It is okay to have self-doubt because it shows you are not running with your eyes closed.” 

Trusting myself goes a long way. 

Formula for success

My formula amounts to labeling whatever results from my efforts to be a success for what it is. 

That formula builds on all the principles and beliefs mentioned above and looks like the typical day I follow as an unemployed writer. It sustains me and keeps me motivated. 

(Image courtesy of Andrea Piacquadio via Pexels)