Editor’s Note: This piece is an example of the Japanese “rensaku” poetic form, a collection of haiku poems that connect with one another to create an overarching narrative.
Lifetime Haikus
A shimmer, shadow Wrapped in swaddle, to blossom In a mud puddle.
One learns to love the Days lost to scraped knees, teary Eyes, hugs that mend all.
Then the legs grow, the Arms reach out, fingers spread, The heart finds color.
You love her, lost the Fears you had handing her bruised Daisies, wrapped with bows.
She found you, held the Bouquet close, and you closer, Even after dawn.
Her hand is on your Chest, warm, serene, securely Yours– you breathe her in.
Your daughter is born, Her eyes still closed, she is safe Against your bare chest.
Everything is hard, Harder than you ever thought It would be to love.
A part of you shrinks as She grows, no mud to muddle, You love her. You lose.
She scrapes her knees as Yours feel heavier, all Steps forward for her.
You lost her mother, You lose yourself, but see her Still, as your heart breathes.
Your lass lingers less At home, begins her own way. “It’s alright, sweetie.”
She left today. You’re So happy to see her eyes Closed again; you hug.
Everything mending, She shimmers, the car drives east, Casting more shadows.
You lose you, again… Sit there, reading her letters, As your hair thins, grays.
She visits, her wife And son– the image of you– Hug you, eyes open,
As hers crinkle closed, Like her mother’s; you miss them Both, brutally now.
On your knees, at the Cemetery, your eyes mist, In the fog. You loved.
The photographs blur, Just a bit, and your daughter’s Voice sounds less like home.
“It’s alright–,” colors Paint your heart in antique grays, Blue, bruised arms that grasp,
That cling on, fingers Spread wide, on your chest, as you Still remember them.
You thank the world, Watch the rain, the mud puddles, Hold the daisies, bruise them.
The darkness grows, as Your crinkled eyes close, nothing To lose. You were loved.
For my first relationship, I feel like, looking back, I wore rose-tinted glasses to hide all the red flags I didn’t want to see.
I’m sure I’m not the only one who did the same thing when experiencing love for the first time. I was infatuated with the idea that somebody liked me, so I tried hard to make it work, no matter how terrible I felt throughout the latter half of the relationship.
It lasted nearly three and a half years, far longer than it should have, but I don’t regret it, as I learned many lessons. Like what I should expect from my partner, what makes me happy, and most importantly, how to love myself in the ways I needed rather than what I was told.
Initially it felt like I was reaching while he was settling. Along the way, however, I found myself settling, disregarding the beliefs I thought were important to me. Does he respect my feelings? Did my happiness matter? How were his relationships with his family? Did he take accountability for his finances and career? Does our future line up? Did he care about where our relationship was going? Were there more happy tears than sad? Does he smoke too much, drink too much? Why does his room always feel like a game of “The Floor is Lava”?
It didn’t occur to me that my disappointment stemmed from my moral weakness. I thought that since he had more experience, he knew more.
Until he said he wanted me to experience the “broken heart of life, now you should explore what else can hurt you.”
My first heartbreak
I was naive, young, a hopeless romantic, inexperienced. I was many things. But deep down, I knew better. All along, I should’ve known we just weren’t compatible, that I shouldn’t’ve tried to hold on because I didn’t want to start over. I shouldn’t have to put up with somebody who wanted me to “learn what love was” just so he could let me go.
Screw that.
But at the same time, and I truly hate to admit it, he was right.
My first big step
I did need to know what heartbreak felt like, to know that what we had was not ideal. I was tiptoeing around a field akin to a Minesweeper grid toward the end of the round.
The timing of our relationship ending was fortuitous. I ended up moving to a new city, and it felt like a clean start to truly find myself. The old adages of starting over! and rebranding yourself! became a sort of lifestyle for me for the following three years. I learned to love myself.
I threw myself into a new life of meeting new people, trying new things, exploring new places, and taking new risks. It was a truly magical three years of my life. I met so many amazing people and traveled to exciting places with them and on my own. Everywhere I went and everything I did added to me as a single, whole person. I was on my own, and I truly was content and peaceful.
(Image courtesy of Luwadlin Bosman via Unsplash)
It’s a full-circle moment
Eventually, I found myself ready to start a new relationship, so I began holding myself to higher standards and qualifications — which ultimately led me back to my first relationship.
It’s challenging to find better standards without considering your experiences. So, I thought about him a lot. I thought about how he hurt me, how it felt like my feelings weren’t validated, how it didn’t seem like he was emotionally available, and how I couldn’t picture a lifelong future with him. How much I cried out of sadness alone.
Yes, I still think about him a lot, but it’s because I’m always comparing my current relationship to my past one. I’m happier overall as my feelings, thoughts, emotions, wants, and needs are valued. I get to enjoy activities together with my partner rather than resign myself to doing what my ex had always wanted to do. We have a lot more common interests and travel goals. I’ve definitely cried more happy tears than sad. I’ve found my life partner. Ironically, it was because my ex-boyfriend helped reunite me with an old high school friend I originally had feelings for.
Now, I truly feel happy and blessed. I’ve learned to love myself, and I’ve found somebody who can add to my happiness — not take away from it. We’ve both continued to redefine what we needed in our relationship, what we should look for, and how we can work on our disagreements.
I’d be lying if I said everything was 100% peaches and cream. But it’s a damn solid 92% in my opinion.
So, thank you for hurting me. It was because of you that I truly became happy.
I Wander, and Wish, That Love Would Last, And nothing could sever you from me, But this world hurts everyone willing To reach out and touch it; a spindle, Spear, or guttural glass of everclear. I’ve drunk too much, again, and choose To see things blur, you blur, And I wish, and wonder, how broken I got to be when we carved our names In that tree on Sycamore Street; I miss things, languish, ponder, Pounce on every hello with strangers Just to feel something other than the Crystallized honey stuck fast to my Memories; when the leaves bud, I think of how the branches brace themselves To lose, siphon, spread their fingers, only To watch the nails fall off, green, gold, Heavy as a heart. You said you loved me as a leaf caught In your hair, I fished it out like a deep-sea vent, Bubbles, burning, branding me to you, And then you chose to leave me here– The tree’s gone, too.
Day turned into night– Your warm embrace suddenly turned cold, And never saw the shadow of the sun
Until forever ended, You were my safe place, Calm in a noisy world, The harbor where my heart Rested;
You were home, Not four walls, a roof and doors, But arms that soothed, Eyes that saw everything, like window glass, never judged, A voice that sang love songs, Legs that never walked away.
But now, Now, the silence screams, louder than a music hall, Drowning out a thunderstorm; Our laughter– once song– Echoes in my ears; Even if I tried to forget, I couldn’t, I danced to the tune.
Every morning, I wake up to the ache, of remembering you’re no longer here. No longer the home that brings peace, joy, and hope. No longer the future so bright. Losing you feels like A wound that won’t heal. Maybe it will– tomorrow, or someday.
Now I’m left picking up pieces of a forever that promised to stay forever Just maybe, My love remains, quiet, and invisible,
But still burning softly, in those warm corners of my soul. It will remain till it fades away, forever.
