What is Fear?

What is Fear?

Whenever I plan to write, the white empty paper scares me.

This year, I turn 31. What did I achieve in these years and days of my life? How do I define myself?

My passport says that I am Egyptian, even if I spent more than half my life outside the country. Should I start telling my story from 1993? I was born in Khor Fakkan in Shariah, United Arab Emirates, the youngest of seven children. My parents named me Khadija.

I graduated from high school and returned to Egypt. I participated in a revolution which didn’t achieve its goals. I got married after a great and epic love story…or that’s what I thought, until I got divorced.

I gave birth to two amazing kids. I graduated from Sharjah University with a degree in English literature and translation.

I spent my twenties with my son Qassem. Life was beautiful until I gave birth to my daughter Layla and fell into a hole of postpartum depression. Alice in Wonderland was running after the rabbit, but I was running after myself.

What lessons have I learned from my life? What is the moral of my own story?

I can bake apple Bundt cake, lemon cake and chocolate banana bread. I cannot work under pressure. I used to hide my problems. I love life and in the same way loathe it. I love to prepare my meals with passion  and eat them slowly. I love to spend time with my friends.

I know the sound of typing pleases me. I love writing and literature. I believe that there is a special connection between me and literature and I discover that day after day.

I am fond of language. I lose and I win. I am ambitious. I dream of becoming a great translator. I dream of winning the best mom ever prize (if there is such a thing)!

Why do I hate the Egyptian revolution? The revolution fell from paradise to the earth like Adam’s apple. I wonder, did Adam hate the apple? Did he swear at her?

I was living such a simple life in Dubai in 2011, when the flame of revolution ignited in the Middle East. I was a high school student. The revolution seemed like the greener grass on the other side. I dreamed of being part of what was happening. But since that time, I have been enduring a series of personal and public defeats. Can life lead to better outcomes? Can the course of life change?

Once you have been broken and tasted fear, fear becomes a habit. Do you know who I am?

I am the girl who at the age of 19 almost got caught by the central security forces at a protest. As I felt them pull my arms and grab me, I screamed “I want my mom!” Since then fear knows my address and acts like that friend who, no matter how many times you avoid her, keeps ringing your doorbell…