Heartbreak Journal

I can’t even explain how much my heart ached from the pain I felt during those years. I was a teenager. I was naive. I was just too nice. Others mocked me. I should have known better. What did I do wrong? Nobody warned me he would break my heart. There were no signs of it. He played the part well and he had me playing his game. I never grieved so much in my life. The unbearable strain my heart felt was a load on my shoulder. Actually, a part of me was missing him. It made me wonder, “How could I fall for someone who gave his heart to me and another girl at the same time?” 

I went along with his plan. 

He asked me, “Should I break up with my girlfriend?”

I told him, “I don’t know.” 

I didn’t run away when I should have. My friends warned me I was too nice. I should have listened to them. I just wanted to be in love. I had been dreaming of the day when God would supply me with a man who loved me and him at the same time ever since I was a little girl. Was I being punished for my exaggerated dream about falling in love? Was God testing me to find someone who is compatible in the eyes of God? I never knew the answer. 

He explained he could never cheat on me because my heart was already broken by him. In his words, “I would never do that. I love you only.” 

How my chest would tighten even more, when the pain would only get worse in a matter of seconds. I wanted to let him know how much it hurt. I gave him everything and he just burned it all away. I didn’t care about her falling for a guy who didn’t care about me one bit in his life. He gave the world to someone else. I hope she knew she was in for a surprise. 

I was crashing. I was spiraling, trying to grasp and take it all in. Maybe one day my heart will mend from the pain I felt. 

From that point on, he would mope around the student college halls begging for me to take him back. I used my big girl voice, my lungs using more oxygen than ever before in my life, and shouted, “No” through the halls. I didn’t need him. I didn’t need to cry over him. He took a part of me away from myself. I wasn’t going to let that happen again. 

I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I got lost in myself and my identity because of the soul of a human being who didn’t even deserve my heart in the first place. I learned I wasn’t good enough to be loved. I wasn’t good enough to be cared for. I wasn’t good enough to give my heart to a human being who would make me feel happy. 

It changed me mentally. It changed me in ways that I’ll never forget. I didn’t have the motivation to keep pushing myself in school. I didn’t have the courage to even go to school because I knew he would be there. Seeing him in the halls made my stomach turn to the point I wanted to vomit every time I saw his face. 

The heartbreaker. The cheater. The life wrecker. 

All the names I would call him, but I didn’t have the strength to be myself anymore. He took advantage of me and I wasn’t gonna let him do that. 

From that experience I haven’t had the strength to pursue dating since. My heart was going to be broken again, so why would I even bother to put myself out there? I felt disconnected from the world. I wanted to get back up and put myself out there. 

It took me a while to grasp that I didn’t need another human being to lift me back up. From that point on, it made me realize I couldn’t be in my own little world anymore. I began to start writing after that. I have always wanted to become a writer since I was a little girl. I put my words down on paper expressing my desires and innermost thoughts because it was the only thing keeping me from breaking again.