Moonlighting as an Extrovert

When I was younger, I had difficulty making friends because I lacked many skills, such as communication and confidence when approaching new people. It got a little easier in high school when I started developing more hobbies and had classes with a more consistent group of individuals. By college, I had more confidence in myself, so I was able to engage in more small talk and exchange contact information much more quickly, whether it was for classes or extracurricular activities. However, as an adult, the only way I could meet new people was gradually limited mainly to the workplace, where each new company brought a fresh group of faces for me to bumble my way through into friendships.

As much as I seemed to be friendly and engaging, I was actually an introvert, and going out all the time turned out to be exhausting.

Starting a new career: extrovert

Whether online or in person, having some sort of confidence to initiate a conversation always seemed to be a necessity, no matter where I went. 

Do I have my Rolodex of formal niceties and social platitudes ready? How do I know when to talk to them? What should my energy level be? Are there any mutual topics or hobbies we can talk about? Where and when should we talk in case I need an escape route if the conversation starts to peter out? Why does it seem like my conversation partner is an interviewer? Or maybe even vice versa, that I’m vetting them to see if we are a good match?

That’s because it actually kind of was. We’re interviewing each other to see if we were a good match. Or, you know, sometimes if they had any malicious intent. Your girl was not in the mood to get into any trouble at any time or wherever I went.

So we’re a fit, now what?

It might not be an issue most people want to acknowledge, but there is that slight fear or anxiety when you start a new friendship and want to solidify it. What task should you take on? When should you voice your opinions? How do you continue to climb the ranks from acquaintance to friend? Maybe even a good or best friend? 

A natural progression of many friendships is going out together, or spending time in more intimate settings or group hangs. That’s when the next challenge comes through: what activity should you do? Do you play it safe or adventurous? Stay local or explore? Is it a food outing or a physical activity?

When I moved to Japan, I had to force myself to be social and interact in order to make friends. Luckily, my company had a great, engaging volunteer community that hosted many events and activities to help everyone get to know each other. Whether it was going to a restaurant as a big group, exploring nature, or experiencing culture, I signed up for as many things as I could financially to meet a variety of people to befriend. Luckily, the people I gravitated toward started standing out to me, and I began seeing them more often at activities I had signed up for. At least we had similar interests that we could riff off of.

A work in process, but in smaller spurts

My social battery was working overtime, and I had a dossier of friendship applicants I could sift through to find my new group. For about two years, my weekends and holidays were spent going on multiple trips, stayed out many nights exploring bars and restaurants, and attended a ton of gatherings and parties. However, during the work week, I stayed home and binged Netflix with either leftovers or store-bought dinners. I like to think these moments alone helped me be a better social butterfly.

Eventually, I started aligning with people I would call good friends. Better yet, many of them were introverts like me. So, I would go to the bars less and to each other’s places more. We would go shopping together or plan our own trips outside the company-oriented ones. Sometimes we would meet up just to gripe about work or watch mindless media together — I feel like these moments were essential to keeping me, us all maybe, sane while living away from home. 

Before I knew it, I became a volunteer myself to help my community enjoy their time in a foreign country. I had to stretch my comfort zone here and there to make the most of my time in Japan, and I felt a sense of accomplishment helping others make connections, just like how my predecessors helped me when I first arrived.

Leaving the company, now not in each other’s company

I eventually left Japan and moved back home, and the distance really affected the relationships I made. I’ve kept in touch with some, touched base with others, but have largely grown distant from many of them. The distance and time differences really didn’t help the situation.

Looking back, we were in relationships of convenience; we were thrown together in a foreign country and had to make a few friends to mitigate the loneliness in a sea of unfamiliar faces. Not to mention the language barrier, that was another struggle. I was able to communicate with some of my Japanese coworkers and friends, but I had to switch between English and Japanese often because my proficiency wasn’t that high — and I had a better grasp of the language than many who moved to my area.

Luckily for me though, some of the friendships I made have survived until now. I may not be talking to as many people as I did when I lived in Japan, but it’s been a real blessing to still be in touch with those who wanted to stay connected, whether it’s a trip to see one another or an invitation to a wedding or occasion.

The exit interview

For me, I wholeheartedly recommend that people move away to a new place. Not only to experience a shock to your system, but to force you out of your comfort zone and make lasting memories. I had a blast meeting new people, going on solo adventures, and making mistakes that I learned from along the way. Would I have preferred to stay holed up on my bed, binging House while eating a cold bento and a slice of melon I bought from a convenience store on my way home? Absolutely. But would I have regretted doing that every single weekend? One hundred percent.

A dear friend of mine is now in Australia, and I do my best to check in once in a while, but I know she’s living her best life right now. At first, I was concerned about her mental well-being while in a new country, but, after persistent encouragement and a nudge to explore here and there, I eased off and let her do her own thing. Now, I’m just waiting for her latest tales of adventure to get me itching for another one of my own.