The Price of Addiction

Alcohol abuse runs in my family. 

It seems like a curse passed down the generations.

That said, I also struggled with substance abuse in my early adult life. 

It has been a battle not to run to the bottle when I am feeling lonely or unsuccessful. I do not want my generational curse to overpower and ruin me. Hence, I fight for a better future every day.

A summer to remember

One summer, I was feeling extremely lonely and defeated. I was failing community college. I was having relationship drama. My mom was in Pennsylvania with my dad and my friends were nowhere in sight, so I turned to wine.

I was also on medication for my mental health. Mixing those with wine was a huge risk. There wasn’t a single day that summer when I was sober. As a result, I got a speeding ticket, three points on my license, and had to join a driving school.

For the first time, I felt completely alone, as if I did not have anyone to turn to. And I think that is why a lot of people drink. They drink not to feel or to numb their feelings of hurt and despair. Or, as in my grandma’s case, to forget, for a while, the mental trauma of the past. 

My familial alcoholic traits

My dad’s family is all alcoholics. They drink in secret and judge people for drinking at a bar. It’s kind of a double standard mindset- like the saying, “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” My dad is not as alcoholic as his mom and siblings, but he has some narcissistic traits.

My grandfather died of an overdose at the age of forty. He was a heavy drinker and physically abusive. My grandparents were divorced by then, so my grandma raised five kids by herself. My grandma and dad found my grandfather’s dead body in his apartment, surrounded by empty beer cans and pill bottles.

My aunt’s husband walked in the same footsteps as my grandfather. He was only in his thirties when he died of an overdose. He was found in his car at his workplace. Fortunately, he was not driving so the only life lost was his.

My way of ending the toxicity 

Some people drink to celebrate a good time but mostly, I think, people drink to numb the pain and avoid feeling certain emotions. 

I know because I did the same. I drank to numb my childhood pain, to numb my feelings of loneliness and despair, and to forget about life for just a little while.

I stopped after that summer. The reason was, firstly, my mother had returned, and I was no longer alone. Secondly, being fully aware of the effects of addiction, I never gave in completely to the high, having learned from my grandfather and uncle. 

I lived in the present moment, so I could change the outcome of my life. I wanted a better future for my kids, so I chose therapy instead of the bottle. 

This is how I broke the generational curses that haunted my family.