Navigating a Religious Family as a ‘None’

Living in a Religious World as a Non-Believer

According to the Pew Research Center, 75.8% of the world’s population identified as religious in 2020. That leaves a quarter of humanity, the “nones,” left to navigate a world that can be very different to the one their religious peers inhabit.

For those raised in or married into religious families, there’s a particular nuance to navigating family dynamics without offending or insulting your loved ones’ beliefs. Every individual experience is different, yet, hopefully, this provides a space for the “nones” to feel seen and understood instead of the usual feeling of being the outcast. Hopefully, it will also provide religious folks a chance to see what the experience is like on the other side of the tracks. 

Religious Family Dynamics: To Not Offend and To Not Be Offended

For many people, their religious beliefs circle back into their daily life through things like attending worship services, participating in Bible study, singing in a church choir, and so on. Consider these beliefs in the contexts of other religions and almost every person of every faith has times when they are actively discussing their religious activities, especially at family events or gatherings. 

That almost always leads to the fun, awkward moment when the “none” is standing in a room listening to two or more family members discuss things like which church they attend or how much they enjoyed or disliked their pastor’s recent sermon, and the none being unable to contribute healthily to the conversation. For those of us who lack any supernatural beliefs, this difficulty extends to conversations about things like spirits or hauntings. 

When people are talking about their alleged supernatural encounters, the last thing they want to be told is how they just hallucinated or imagined it. Through my own experiences, I’ve learned to remain quiet and let my family enjoy these conversations. I sometimes add my own input, but I only do so when among family I feel will not misconstrue my lack of belief as an attack on their active belief. It is not my job to tell my loved ones what to believe, and being accepting of and acknowledging each other’s different thoughts and faiths allows for truly healthy, fruitful relationships. 

Unfortunately, that respect is not always reciprocated. While being a non-religious person who speaks out against your family’s religious or spiritual beliefs is frowned upon, being a religious person who tries to “convert” or “educate” a non-religious person into their respective faith tends to be more accepted. Many of my older family members have a knack of slipping in how wonderful it would be for me to believe in God, often suggesting different books or quotes they’ve come across and that could reshape my worldview. In these situations, I find it best to smile, nod, let them say their piece, and politely  respond, “No, but I appreciate you thinking of me.” 

As much as these suggestions typically come from a place of love and, for me personally, have been overall harmless, they do raise the issue of an unfortunate and potentially harmful  double standard. As I imagine many LGBTQ+ individuals can attest, whether they have faith or not, these nonstop suggestions to change their worldview and “lifestyle” can become emotionally and mentally taxing. How difficult it can be to desire  spending time with family members at the risk of  being forced to listen to an hour of how much God, or whichever deity or religious figure, loves you and wants you to “come into the fold.”

That’s not to say that nones are perfect and have never spoken ill of their loved ones due to their beliefs. When I first started moving away from religion, I was an angry teenager who often lashed out and spoke ill of my family or friends’ faith, even ridiculing them at times. This was unacceptable behavior and did nothing to help me or help my family understand why I moved away from religion when I did. Being a “none,” there will almost always be this uphill battle to maintain peace and understanding amongst your loved ones who may never fully understand why you do not believe the things they do. As such, it is important to act as a role model for them to see that the nones of the world are just like them and wish them no ill will. We simply want them to accept us for who we are and to not push their ideals onto us, instead allowing for thoughtful conversation and understanding to better educate one another 

Finding Solace Both Inside and Outside of Your Family

As someone both raised in and married into a fairly religious family dynamic, I’ve found solace and mutual understanding in online communities and podcasts with people who share my worldviews and lack of faith in an organized religion. It is incredibly important to find communities where you can comfortably discuss your experiences, and at times even vent about the struggles of being in a family where most do not share your religious views. 

It is possible to find these connections within your family as well. As much as you may feel isolated at times, there may always be another family member who shares your views or at the very least is not as engrained in whichever organized religion as the rest of your family may be. It can be difficult to openly discuss this; as previously stated, silence is often golden when it comes to not derailing religious discussions. However, all it takes is finding one confidant to allow yourself that breath of fresh air and knowing that there is someone else who gets it and who you can relate to. As you grow older, you can also be a role model for younger members of your family who may be questioning their beliefs. That is not to say it’s your job to pull younger family members away from their parents’ religious beliefs, but it is important they know there are other options and that it is their choice what faith they do or do not follow. 

At the end of the day, there will always be a level of awkwardness when you’re the only one, or one of the only ones, in a room who does not believe in the same religious or supernatural convictions. There will be times where everyone bows their heads to say grace and you do the same, standing there counting the seconds and trying not to look around as the prayer is said. There will be times when you’re invited to religious events like christenings where you arrive with a smile on your face even if going to church is the last thing you want to do. There will be times when you are put in that awkward position of being asked point blank what church you go to or what faith you follow and have to stumble your way through an answer that hopefully doesn’t offend the asking party. 

Just know that there are people out there who understand what you are going through and that it is perfectly okay to not share the same faith or spiritual beliefs as your family. They are still your family, and if they truly love you, then a difference in faith should never stand in the way.