Toxic Words

Every language has thousands of words, and the ones we choose, I believe, almost always reflect who we are, what we feel, and what we want to communicate. I say “almost always” because I have never been fond of certainties, and I consider doubt an essential element of life, as to not judge people based solely on what they say. 

Sometimes, I too have said something rude in a moment of anger, but soon after came regret and most of all, the realization that I had made a mistake. No one is perfect, but when the words that are now called “toxic” are repeated and become a deliberate and ongoing way to hurt, then it becomes a conscious intent to denigrate and offend.

Who has not heard the old saying “actions speak louder than words?” 

It is a concept that seems extremely valid to me, but sometimes we forget that words have weight. With thousands of words at our disposal, it is reasonable to assume that most of our linguistic expressions in life and social communication are the result of a choice. Unless fate (or whatever else governs human life) intervenes in our lives, when we speak to another person, we should be careful not to offend the sensitivity of our interlocutor.

Recently, while reading a website of aphorisms, I was struck by a quote by author Rhonda Byrne. In 2006, she wrote the essay “The Secret,” which I plan to read soon, discussing topics related to personal growth and inner development:

            “It only takes a minute to cause hurt but sometimes a lifetime to repair.”

The author puts “words” first and then “actions”. This does not seem to me a coincidence. Words are a way to convey positive feelings, but also to express violence and aggression toward, for example, fragile people.  

Human beings cannot live in isolation. We all often need affirmation, support and help from those around us. I believe that the freedom to express one’s opinion does not preclude the ability to do so with kindness and tact.

My best friend had been the victim of a truly toxic relationship. When she introduced me to her new boyfriend, he seemed to me like a serious and polite young man. He was elegant, handsome, and behaved like a gentleman from another era.

But from the very first night, I could tell that something was wrong in their relationship. There were four of us at the restaurant table where we had made reservations: myself, my then-boyfriend, and the two of them. As the waiter served the first course, my friend’s boyfriend began to share anecdotes about their fledgling relationship.

“You know your best friend can’t cook? And if you saw the mess she makes in the washing machine! She ruined two of my shirts. She can’t even read the washing instructions.”

Throughout the evening, he criticized every one of her actions. As he spoke, I wondered: “How can a man in love only point out the faults of the person he is with?”

Maybe my friend was not perfect. Maybe it was true that she could not cook or use the washing machine. But where is the line between truth and contempt? The point was not to be hypocritical or to hide my friend’s flaws, but to choose words that wouldn’t make her interpret it wrongly and feel inferior because of her minor shortcomings. 

I tried to resist the temptation to confront him in front of everyone in the restaurant, and at the end of the evening I took my friend aside.

“Do you realize that all he did was criticize you? How can you live with someone who doesn’t appreciate you?”

“He has never laid a hand on me, if that is what you mean. He is not violent.”

But I knew that violence does not always manifest itself in actions. There is also a subtle and invisible form that is transmitted through words.

When I told her to leave him, she shrugged. She had always had a difficult home life and a troubled relationship with her father. But she had chosen a man who was even worse.

Every word he spoke was meant to show contempt, to belittle and manipulate her. He wanted to make her feel bad about the smallest things, as if he wanted to prove his superiority.

There was nothing I could do at that moment. The choice was not mine. I could only offer her my support and tell her that I would help her at any time. A few months later, I got a call from my friend. She had left their home. She had reached a point where tolerating it was no longer an option.

This is why I believe we must choose our words carefully when interacting with those close to us. Sensitivity is a value that should not be sacrificed to selfishness.

This is why Rhonda Byrne emphasized the importance of words. How we use them surely reveals the kind of person we want to be.